Now I’m back in climes far colder and rainier, I’ve have
plenty of time to reflect and write about my experiences. I still
procrastinate, and achieve virtually nothing in the mornings, but I have the
afternoons to actually get something done, rather teach/feed candy to young
kids. I’m treating this as a final blog, despite the ever expanding list of topics
that keep popping into my head when I reflect upon my time in Korea.
Anyway, the theme of this post is a bit of a list. An
embellished list. The pros and cons of my year in Korea. While it’s great to be
back and despite how much I berated their culture, there are a few things that
Kim Jong-un’s neighbours offer that my beloved Britain just can’t…
What I’ll Miss
The little kids- As
much as they often infuriated me with their lack of interest in what I had to
say and their incessant pleas of “Teacher… GAME,” there’s nothing quite like
knowing that, to some of these kids, you’re their idol. For most of the real young’uns, you’re their
first ever foreign teacher (for some, I taught them English from scratch). I
can safely say that I changed their lives forever, by introducing them to the
wonders of Simon Says, and my party
trick, which was to throw them up in the air and catch them on the way down
(three times per go). On my final day, I had a queue of twelve kids for this
ride. They would also regularly sit on my knee while I was planning lessons.
And one little girl, Kayla came in for hugs on every single one of my breaks
during my final day. I was the epitome of the ‘cool teacher’.
The older kids- Middle
school kids were a different kettle of fish. Making silly faces was out of the
question. And a lot of them were too fat to pick up and throw in the air. So, I
actually had to relate to them. Be a Jack Black in School of Rock kind of figure. Or like the teacher from Warrior. The results spurned some
classic moments. The top of the bunch had to be when I asked one of my
students, Sally, what she would do if she had one million dollars. She replied:
“I would make you my slave. And then I would ride you.” In a move that was no
way inappropriate, I then explained what that actually means, ridiculing her in
front of the entire class. That one moment made my entire month. Other inspirational
lessons I gave involved explaining that “negro” and “black” were not offensive
terms, but “n***er” was the word that you can’t say. Cue the boys calling each
other that word for the rest of the lesson. For some reason, they were desperate to have my replacement be black...
Free meals- Koreans
are overwhelmingly generous. One time, my flatmate and I were eating out at a
restaurant. A drunken man idled over to our table and began to communicate
using the English staples of “hello” and “handsome man,” followed by a thumbs
up. After a while, he beckoned his embarrassed son over to our table, and
instructed us to drill him with questions. We didn’t mind- he paid for our
entire meal and drinks for the entire night. When was the last time that
happened to you at Nandos?
The weekends- Weekends
are the main reason you should go to Korea. There’s so much to do, at such a
low price. Rock climbing, skiing, trips to the beach, visiting temples, bungee
jumping, playing football, eating out. In England, I only ever do one of these
things- and the people I play with are a**holes.
The food- There
are so many dishes to miss. Adding to beauty of their taste is the fact that
they’re so cheap, yet actually pretty decent. For the price of a Quarter
Pounder meal at Maccy D’s you can have Galbi (barbecued beef steak) with all
you can eat sides, for example. Other cuisinary delights were bibimbap,
samgyupsal, kimchi, bulgogi, mandu and pajeon, to name a few. I realise you
have no idea what these are- that’s what Google is for. Plus, there’s not the
thing in England where, if it tastes good, it will eventually kill you through
heart disease. Just a minor advantage. I think that’s so many people smoke in
Korea. Aside from cigarettes being ridiculously cheap, it’s population control.
If they didn’t light up, they’d live to actually see the economy claw its way
out of the recession.
What I’m not going to miss
Ajumas- The bane
of my life. The rudest and most illogical people you’ll ever meet. An ajuma is
technically a married woman in Korea, but we just use it to refer to old women.
As they’re old, they’re unnecessarily bitter about something that affects them
astonishingly little. Call me a scrooge, but I won’t miss them, elbowing their
way to the front of queues, and just going about their daily business with
about as much regard for others as music critics have for Nickelback.
The kids- When
they’re in the mood, teaching is the easiest and most rewarding job in the
world. But let’s be realistic, most of the time, they aren’t. The little ones
are hard to control as shouting at them just makes them cry. It makes me feel
like a big man, but isn’t exactly conducive to teaching. I resolved this with
my teaching sidekick- candy. The trouble is, if you give them one piece, they
completely forget that you gave it to them five seconds later, and immediately
demand candy again, like it’s their God-given right. It’s not. Now sit down,
you little s**t.
And the older ones, if you shout, don’t take a blind bit of
notice. And candy is about as useful a sidekick as Robin. They just want money.
Piss off …
Korean co-teachers- They’re
supposed to be helpful. But the majority are either painfully bossy, or
painfully useless. The bossy ones tell you to basically do your job for them-
and seem confused when you’re not able to complete half of the book in one
lesson. The useless ones will frequently ask your opinion, only to completely
contradict/ignore what you say. In
the beginning, it frustrated me with aplomb. By the end, I cared as much about
the words that came out of their mouths as they did about mine.
Shopping- As a
person with testicles, shopping is never an enticing prospect on the day’s
agenda. In Korea, it has the appeal of a night in a jimjilbang (see last blog).
Sales assistants stalk you from the moment you walk in, which is alarmingly
invasive. They’re just there to help you, Koreans tell me. But, if I have a question
for them, neither my Korean tongue nor their English tongues are well equipped
enough to achieve customer satisfaction. However, I never did learn the Korean
for “f**k off.” No-one to blame but myself, then.
The food- Though
there were many delights for my tongue, there were an awful lot of things I
couldn’t eat. Anyone who knows me will attest to the fact that I’m not a fussy
eater. But most Korean food tends to have one flavour- burn-your-tongue-off
spicy. You know how we buy chillies in bags of two or three? They sell them in
packs of about thirty. They all go into one dish. It wasn’t good news for me
because spicy food makes me sweat profusely.
Christmas- You
can’t beat the traditional, laze about at home watching movies and Christmas
specials on TV, while Mum does all the cooking. Well, I had none of that- I
spent the past Christmas skiing. “Lucky you”, you may think. You’re probably
one of those people who revel in the opportunity to get away from home and go
on holiday at Christmas time. Well, you’ve got a crap family. I’m twenty-three,
I know, but there’s still a kid in me yet. Half of me is twenty years old, and
worrying about getting a job and what the future holds. The other half of me is
three years old, and still loves opening presents in the living room with my
parents.
Korean Culture- It’s
interesting, sure. But ‘interesting’ actually means it’s so far removed from
your own culture and ideals, that you can only tolerate it for a short period
of time. Intolerant, am I?! I don’t see why I should tolerate some of the
ridiculous things that Korean logic determines acceptable. Just because you are
older than me, you don’t have a right to my respect. Just because I’m western,
doesn’t mean I have AIDS. Why the hell would I want to sleep on the floor?!? I’m
not a dog. Why would I want to eat sat on the floor with my legs crossed?!? It’s
not school assembly. Just because I’m white, doesn’t mean I’m a Christian. Yes,
I HAVE eaten lunch. I look tired?? Thanks, you look s**t too.
So, there you go. I hope you enjoyed reading the blog. It
disappoints me that I can’t freely spout outspoken rants anymore, as people now
actually understand me. Saying that, there are far more foreign food stores in
the area now, that have popped up in my absence. With a little bit of research
about the Polish, I’m sure I can come up with something that is fundamentally
wrong about them also.
Anyway, I have to go now-I’ve got a doctor’s appointment to
get this blasted tongue removed from my cheek. It’s been bothering me for over
a year now...
