Sleep tight, don’t let the naked Korean men bite…

I am now going to recall a story regarding a series of incidents from a Saturday night/Sunday morning just over a month ago. It’s possibly the most traumatic memory occupying my head. This is a horror story. A true one.

It all started after my football match on Saturday- a 5-1 victory. It had been a good day so far- good enough, in fact, I thought that it deserved a few drinks cap it off. So, off we headed, to Itaewon- Korea’s ‘Western’ area. The plan was to have a few drinks and watch the Premier League matches that night. We’d also been promised the prospect of girls from a team-mate. He’d hinted to me, with a casual raise of his eyebrows, that his girlfriend “has friends.” I was shocked- I had no idea women were such social creatures…

So, we arrived at the bar and ordered the pitchers. The football had already started, albeit a rather paltry attempt at an entertaining match. However, soon after a few glances round the room to check out the girls’ personalities, we were left distinctly miffed at the ratio of guys to girls. It was a bit like Elton John’s birthday party, if I’m honest.

However, eventually, the girls did come. However, they promptly left about ten minutes later, with no explanation. They were Asian- they probably had maths homework to do…

From that moment on, a series of unfortunate events began to unfold.


Incident 1

 I got up to go the bathroom as the football match was, I decided, in its least entertaining period. This just happened to coincide with the moment one of Sean’s (my team-mate) friends came over to talk to him. After my bladder had emptied itself of cheap Korean beer, I returned to the bar with optimistic low expectations that the game would improve. Anyway, on my return to the bar, Sean’s friend was gone. He then told me that his friend had asked him who I was as I walked past, and commented that I was “cute.” Great start to the night.

Incident 2

 In the same bar, about an hour later, a familiar face strutted into my view. It wasn’t a long lost friend, unfortunately- just my ex-girlfriend. She immediately began to act as though I’d wronged her in some way, by completely blanking me. It’s that kind of class that has made me pine for her on lonely winter nights…

However, to my team-mates, she was just another Korean girl. On judgement, I decided not to acknowledge her arrival to my friends, to avoid giving her undeserved attention. Her friends were also ignoring me- but, by this point, my friends had started talking and playing Fußball with them.

 I actually found the complete lack of social interaction with them pretty amusing- the awkwardness of the situation would’ve been right at home in any of Ricky Gervais’ work. In fact, you would have thought I was Greek and female, with snakes for hair- the mere prospect of eye contact with me was to be avoided at all costs. With my dignity hanging in the balance, I proceeded to stare at the closest friend, who was now talking to Sean. This was at the same table as me- it wasn’t like a weird perverted “across the bar” stare. I save them for women I actually like.

After a while, her face began to twitch- aware of the fact that I was looking at her. My next move was to break the ice with a casual “Hi! Remember me??” Sean listened, mouth agape, as I informed him of how we knew each other. When he asked me why I didn’t tell him before, I replied that this option was far more amusing for me. My other team-mate, Jason, also returned not long after that- having finished a Fußball session.

This is a rough transcript of our conversation:

Me: So, did you win?

Jason: Nah…

Me: Which one was your partner?

Jason: The shit one.

Me: Mate- I think you just played foosball with my ex-girlfriend.

Jason: NO WAY! That was Baby Boy??!?

Me: Uhuh.

I should explain at this point that she called me ‘Baby Boy’ during a phone call on a skiing trip with my team-mates. As my phone’s speaker is obnoxiously loud, my team-mates heard this loud and clear. I’ve been affectionately nicknamed “Baby Boy” ever since- I miss the guys so much…

Incident 3

 We had just about given up hope for the night, when a Korean girl just walked up to me and asked me if I had a girlfriend, right in front of my ex’s friend. Awesome. What balls. English girls would never do that… You have to usually buy them about five drinks before you even find out their name. Also, in Korea, they don’t do the “I’ll be right back, I’m just going to the bathroom/I’m going to find my friend to see if she’s alright” malarkey (post-consumption of said five drinks). She has about as much chance of returning as you do of convincing me that Dubstep is a credible genre.

Consequently, men all over Britain are left feeling incredibly paranoid that they vaguely resemble Timothy Spall. If she doesn’t fancy you after five drinks, the old ego takes a bit of a hit. Conversely, a night in a bar in Korea inflates your ego more than the banks inflated the British pound. Basically, as long as you’re white, you have about a ninety per cent chance of pulling.

Anyway, back to the night in question. Turns out this girl wasn’t hitting on me, as I originally thought.  In fact, her friend had an eye for me, but was too shy to make a move herself. Brilliant! The perfect escape route. As much fun as making my ex’s friend feel vastly uncomfortable was, there was a pretty young Korean girl sitting there without a white man. I had to do my duty…

Incident 4

So, after staying out ‘til 6am with my new Korean girl, who actually turned out to have an Australian accent (that I may or may not have thought was South African at the time), I headed for the cheapest possible place to get some sleep before my football game that afternoon. A jimjilbang. If you read my last post, will know all about them. If not, I’ll sum it up. They’re the Korean equivalent of a public bath house. With a barbers. And a sleeping room. And they sell underpants.

Anyway, in my drained state, I meandered into the JJB's dark room upstairs to get some sleep. I was immediately greeted by the vision of three butt-naked Korean men spooning each other on the floor. Astonishingly, this was not enough to put me off going into a corner to find a mat to lie down on. About a minute later, I heard a sound. I looked up, and they'd started giving each other a helping hand. So, instead of falling asleep to the soothing sound of waves gently breaking, I fell asleep to a soundtrack that would’ve made George Michael quite excitable.

Incident 5

If your mouth is still agape that I managed to actually get to sleep knowing that mere metres away from me, Korean men were searching for a happy ending, it pales in comparison to what my eyes endured upon waking up.  Just three hours later, I groggily opened my eyes and turned to the right. After adjusting my eyes, they were granted the sight of a Korean guy giving another Korean guy some oral service, about two metres away from me... That was the last straw- time for my exit.

However, there were no Korean girls to whisk me away this time- it was a complete sausage-fest. Like being back at Secondary School, but with a far greater proportion of schlong actually on display. Anyhow, as I stood up, I looked around in the hope that others were in an equal state of “what the f**k just happened?!?” Turns out that about 75% of the room were getting some morning glory...

Incident 6

 As, I was hurriedly getting dressed, a Korean man came over and started hitting on me. Oh, hell no!

Korean Louie Spence: Hiyaaaaa! How are youuuuuu?

Me: I’m fine.

*I shoot him a look of “stop looking at my c**k*

Korean Louie Spence: So, do you know where the…

Me: Why don’t you go and ask your friends upstairs.

*I swiftly pirouette and prance away*



So, in summary- probably the most c**k-infested night of my life. I doubt I’ll ever see penile density of that magnitude ever again. And that’s fine by me. I don’t even want to look at my own anymore.

Oh, by the way, I've since found out that it's notorious for being a gay jimjilbang... To all of my friends in Korea- thanks for the heads up.