A Korean Christmas- skiing, sickly sandwiches and the possibility of Civil War?

Hello there- here’s a late Christmas present. Far too much has happened since my last blog to cover it all. So, I will deliver the highlights to you, kind of like Match of the Day. How the hell my humour is supposed to measure up against the writers behind Gary Lineker’s comedic genius is beyond me.

Well, since I decided to begin with a football metaphor, it seems only logical that I should switch to footballing reality. At this point, I’ve now finished my first season for both my Saturday and Sunday teams.

First, my Saturday team- we started the season so brightly that I was soon declaring my belief that we would have an ‘Invincibles’ season and go unbeaten for the entire campaign. Instead, we performed more like a modern day Arsenal and crumbled at the end of the season. Still, we finished in second place- so it wasn’t a bad start. And I bagged three goals (from centre back) to accompany the respectable league finish. Add to that the fact that I was voted Best Newcomer and Player of the Season during our end of season awards bash, and I suppose I shouldn’t have thrown so many Mario Balotelli-esque tantrums when we lost a game. From this, I can take solitude in knowing that every goal conceded this season was not my fault- I’m, in essence, Thomas Vermaelen. If you didn’t get reference, you’re most likely a woman.

Now, on to my Sunday team – we fared much better. So, obviously, we won the league. However, it still wasn’t an ‘Invincibles’ affair- we faltered in the last game to deny ourselves that privilege. And, by my own admission, my displays were considerably less impressive. However, I still notched a goal- with my feet, for a change. Hello, Laurent Koscielny. *See the last sentence of the above paragraph*

Next up- the aforementioned awards bash. Both teams’ ‘ceremonies’ took place on the same night. At the same place. It was a night accompanied by copious amount of Jack Daniels and Vodka- in shot form. And Korean beer- in pitcher form. To summarise- the night culminated in me stealing the Sunday team’s league trophy and stumbling back to my girlfriend’s place at 4am, followed by a swift headache that lasted the majority of the next day.

The league trophy now resides in her apartment. I should feel guilty, but I don’t. Screw that team- they didn’t give me any awards… Just lots of ‘penalty shots’ for ridiculous things such as being ‘a nice guy in person, but a vicious little bastard on Facebook’. I think you can clearly see I’ve learnt my lesson.

Now, as it’s the festive season, I will fill you in on how I spent mine. It was my first ever Xmas away from home, and first out of the country. That pairing has proved to be the catalyst for a Christmas that could not be further from the idealistic family gathering I’ve become accustomed to. See, while you were all munching on mince pies and watching Harry Potter in a comfy chair near a smouldering fireplace, I was ‘tearing it up’ on the slopes. But more on that later- the time has come to talk about Christmas food.

Now, while I’m sure your Christmas turkey was succulent and well worth the morning your mum/wife/girlfriend spent preparing it, I had a rather different culinary experience here in Asia. First of all, last Friday was my school’s Christmas ‘party’ day- the premise being that the day was a ‘cooking contest’ between the children. The fact that there’s no oven or stove in my school should quash any images of fine cuisine you momentarily pictured…

Well, what Christmas treats were we making then? Mince pies? Christmas Cakes? Pigs in blankets? Maybe a cheeky Xmas Pudding? Why, don’t be stupid- those aren’t Christmas classics at all. Surely you remember such delicacies like ‘Baguette Waffles’, ‘Fruit Sticks’ and, Santa’s favourite- ‘Ham, jam and apple sandwiches.’ And the Korean teachers were kind enough to delegate me the role of taste tester for the day.

Smashing people. Love them to bits.

Also, as if my taste buds hadn’t sampled enough December delights last week, my actual Christmas dinner consisted of takeaway pizza when I got back from skiing in the evening. It wasn’t even a chicken one. But don’t feel sorry for me- I went all out and treated myself to the best in the biz. Merry Christmas, courtesy of Domino’s.

While the food offerings for Crimbo were mightily depressing, the actual skiing weekend was a fantastic, if a tad strange, way to spend Christmas. Rather than sitting in front of the TV watching Xmas specials of sitcoms and movies (which you become overly enthused about, but then are left with a lingering feeling that they were better last time you watched them), I was taking in the view from the top of a mountain and speeding down the slopes, having a blast.

The resort I stayed in over the Xmas weekend was called Phoenix Park and, while it was considerably less extensive than the European resorts I’m used to, it was also considerably less busy. Which meant getting back up to the top took less time than it takes to decide what the hell use the ‘prize’ in your cracker will ever be.

Further to this, I made an astute observation about Korean people- they suddenly become really polite and patient on the slopes. Not that they’re complete a**holes in the middle of Seoul. No, no, no. I wouldn’t dare say such a thing…

From all the European resorts I’ve been to, I’m used to people who show about as much courtesy in queues for lifts as I would for people who wear beanie hats in gyms (I mean, seriously?!?). This being Korea, I expected that they would use their ski poles on my face to get ahead of me for a coveted place on the next chair lift.

However, they behaved in such a docile manner that I had look closely to check that they’d not gone the way of their Northern cousin’s leader. This was all before pushing past them to get said coveted seat on the next chair lift, of course.

On the subject of Kim Jong-Il’s death, you’d think that the South Koreans would be jumping for joy. But they aren’t.  Despite the country now being on high alert, no one here seems to be behaving any differently.  When I asked the Korean teachers about how they felt about it, they responded with “Meh.” I think that’s how he wanted to be remembered…

Other notable mentions about my trip definitely include my ‘company’ in my youth hostel room. I thought I’d struck lucky when I realised I was in an all British room. Then I found out one of them was Scottish. He seemed to think that the sole purpose of life was to drink any and all alcohol within a ten metre radius of him at the time. I suspect he was trying to appear ‘hard’ in front of the ladies in our party. Instead, he just looked like Jay from the Inbetweeners.

Then, there was the resident skinhead’s method of attracting a mate. I’ll give him this- it required balls. Literally. Stark naked the entire time. In fact, on entering the room, I was greeted by his meat and two veg- not quite the Christmas meal I had in mind…

Nevertheless, despite Korea’s best attempts to quash my Christmas traditions, I managed to salvage some of the spirit in my apartment. As I write, there’s a Christmas tree (that I found in a cupboard) erected by the sofa, adorned with tinsel and fairy lights. Even more fairy lights adorn the top of my walls. I don’t expect that they’ll return to the cupboard anytime soon. I imagine that they, along with my Christmas cards, will remain on display until April, when I leave. It’s not that I love Christmas that much and I’m fighting a battle to keep the joy alive here in Asia. In fact, I’m just lazy. And, the tree’s the only plant we’ve got in the apartment.

Finally, this weekend, I’ll return to the same slopes yet again. Hopefully there’ll be more people on skis, this time round, as I felt a bit outnumbered last weekend. People just seem to gravitate towards the snowboard, for some reason.

Over my many years of experience, I’ve developed a quite accurate portrait of ‘the snowboarder’. They always look like they know what they’re doing when they walk around carrying their board at the bottoms of the slopes. They also look far more ‘badass’ than I do with my pint-sized mini skis.  This sentiment extends to when they plant their junk on the chair lift and lasts all the way to the top, where they promptly tumble off the lift and land face first in the white stuff. This behaviour then continues all the way to the bottom of the slope, at five second intervals, while I zoom past them with far more balance, poise and skill. At which point, they take the board off and instantly become the coolest people on the mountain.

So, I guess I’ll be snowboarding this weekend, then.