The past three weeks in three words? Bottom-colds, Baseball & Best-Man.

Three weeks since my last post is either a sign that I'm getting busier or that I'm getting lazier. Take your pick, since they're both true. I seem to be on trips every weekend. But, when I get back, you've got another thing coming if you think I can be bothered to sit down and write. I would much rather watch TV. As of late, you can thank Prison Break for my inconsistent blogging. Anyway, enough with the pleasantries.

First off, I promise to make this post as scientifically/historically/englishically/geographically/mathically accurate as possible, due to one complaint on my last post. According to BBC logic, that must mean I've offended a couple billion people, at least. My heartfelt apologies go out to you all.

So, on to my trips...

The first of them was to Jeju Island- my Summer vacation. Now, I thought where I live is hot. Well, Jeju Island was like, as Spinal Tap would put it, turning it up to 11. A hike to the top of a mountain left my light grey vest an entirely different shade. In fact, the highlight of that trip was when we paid a visit to a Lava Tube (basically, a giant underground cave) and, while it was still turned up to 11, it was the Air Conditioning this time.

Another, interesting event happened while I was while swimming out at Sea. I decided to 'chill out' on some coral reef- it was very relaxing. That was until the point I decided to leave and the 'fire coral' (jellyfish lurking in the coral) started attacking me from every angle- they were obviously upset I was leaving. Or maybe they were some of the two billion I riled with my historically inaccurate blogging.

Overall though, the trip was a good 'un, slightly marred by it coinciding with the regular evacuation of my bowels. Yes, I had diarrhoea. And, surprise surprise, it's those bloody Koreans to blame once more! The teachers at my school decided to wash my cup in bleach the Friday before I went and not tell me. As I was particularly parched that afternoon, I filled my cup with water and 'downed' it. For the next two days, I think what came out of exit one was more solid than what came out of exit two. Charming.

The last thing we did on the trip was visit a statue park that goes by the name of 'Loveland'. You can guess where this one's going, surely? There were more genitalia on display than in the locker room of a public gym full of old men, post-showering. Coincidentally, this was the one place I finally remembered to take pictures, at last! Lots of pictures. Then maybe a few more. Let's just hope there are enough breasts in the photo album to avoid raising questions about my 'preferences'.

The second trip and the past weekend was spent camping by a river. The sleeping arrangements were a significant departure from the luxury of a bed, TV and air conditioning provided by a Jeju hotel. But that's the camping experience- discomfort for a few nights so you can return to your bed at home and discover that, while previously ordinary, it's the most fantastically comfy thing ever invented by man. Though, the wood I was sleeping on was nothing like the wood on display at Loveland...

I spent the majority of the weekend playing in the pool and getting horrendously sunburnt. The peeling of my skin commenced today- my back looks like the remnants of a spider orgy. We managed to befriend a Korean child who thought our beach ball was much better than his own. Anyway, he coerced us into playing Baseball/Dragonball Z with him.

Despite me hitting several home runs, my shots were declared constantly as “Fouuuuuuul!” or “Ouuuuuuuuuuuut!” Or rebuttal of playing equally as dirty, caused him to flee and introduce the fantastic game of Baseball Z to some other Westerners. Couldn't hack it with the big boys.

Another feature of this trip that I enjoyed, akin to the air conditioned Lava Tube in Jeju, was the abundance of ice cold showers available. This meant, at the slightest hint of perspiration, I was a stone's throw from some sub-zero relief. This probably caused all my sunscreen to wash off, mind, and was an underlying cause of the spider sperm on my back right now. Totally worth it, though.

At this point I must switch continents to America and congratulate my brother, Danny, and his fiancée Marina who 'look like' they're getting married next August. I must also congratulate myself on being selected Best Man- 22 years of 'brothering' finally paid off... Don't worry, I promise to put as much effort into my speech as you did into asking me to be Best Man, Bro...

Finally, I'll switch continents again, and take a moment now to reflect on the current riots in England. As my flatmate Paul pointed out, this is something he definitely doesn't miss about England. No-one here is a bigger enough a**hole to do those kind of things. It just wouldn't happen. And, if it did happen, the Korean citizens would do something about it- Paul reckons they would be outside with baseball bats defending their businesses. I reckon they're all well versed enough in Taekwondo to do away with the baseball bats altogether. If we mounted cameras by the shops, it could possibly be the best John Woo movie ever.

Then again, they should still bring the bats. As we're near a river, while we're waiting for the looters, we could have a game of Baseball Z...

Erectile Dysfunction? Screw Viagra, try Magic Beans...

So, another week has passed here in Korea/a very large outdoor sauna. Temperatures have been hitting about 30 Celsius all week- fine if you're a hyper-active Korean child with a fondness for sweating. Not so good if you're a 22 year old Englishman with a tendency, to bitch and moan about anything that doesn't conform to his British ideals.

Now I have to admit, after three months, I'm ready for a holiday. It's very convenient for me, then, that this Thursday will see me jet off to Jeju Island for my Summer Holiday. It is affectionately referred to as Korea's Hawaii, so it has a lot to live up. Or maybe it doesn't, seeing as I've never been to Hawaii before.

Anyway, most Britons will go on and on to their friends about how they hope the weather will be hot and sunny during their holidays. Here, however, I find myself in the odd situation of hoping the weather will be cool, with a nice breeze on the side. I get enough heat pretty much all day, every day here. I actually have a slight desire to come back a bit whiter- my perma-tan is starting to make me look a bit too much like something from The Only Way Is Essex (if you're English). Or Jersey Shore (if you're American).

The Koreans actually share this sentiment with me, especially the women. They enjoy wearing huge visor-like caps with peaks clearly designed for someone with a noggin the size of Sarah Jessica Parker. However, if the sun pops out for a spot of fresh air and they should fail to have a head-beak to hand, they always carry an umbrella around, rain or shine. In the hands of Korean women, umbrellas are dual use, as they are effective sun shields in addition to their primary usage.

Why are they so afraid of the sun then? Well, it's all in aid of the desire to look like a Westerner. No, not like a Cowboy. Like the English. Actually, no- it's in order to look like an American. They are the popular ones here- we're basically the uncool cousin. This is the opposite to us, as I mentioned before. In England the people you least want to look like are the most pale. Gingers.

OK, now for Korean random fact number two. Last week, I was discussing the difference between English and Korean customs with my Korean co-teachers. The conversation turned to what you might bring with you to a party or when going for dinner at someone else’s house.

In England, we maybe bring a bottle of wine (if you have class) or Lambrini (if you're a Chav). Or, if you dare to be a bit different, some kind of 'posh' chocolates. It requires careful consideration if you choose this option though. While wine has three choices (Red, White or Rose), it pretty much tastes disgusting. However, the daring Chocolatier has to choose between a three way selection that will divide opinions until the end of time- Roses, Quality Street or Miniature Heroes. If you ever come to my house though, bring Miniature Heroes.

Now, maybe you're wandering what kind of weird alcoholic beverages/chocolates Korea has to offer? Don't. The only dilemma you're faced with when going to a party here is... “Andrex or Cushelle?” That's right, the polite thing to do when visiting another's house is to bring toilet paper. Koreans do not see it as logical that a bathroom should have a plentiful supply of loo roll for everyone to use. This includes all toilet locations- the work toilets, public toilets etc. This means that, if you plan to drop a Gordon Brown during your day, you'd best be packing some 'Soft, Strong and Very Long'.

Finally, on to the highlight of my week- it takes place during one of my reading comprehension classes.

My students have been studying the classic tale of Jack & The Beanstalk in the past few weeks. The story is split into sections to make it easier for them to follow. Each lesson, they have to write about a section of the story they've studied and what they think of what happened.

I love these classes. The reason I enjoy them is not because it's fun to teach or even that the kids like doing it. No, the reason is far more simple and immature- I love reading the kid's errors and correcting them.

It doesn't sound funny yet, does it? Well, it is when you realise that they've got no idea what a double entendre is. So, this week, on checking over the kids' work, I discovered that one girl had written “I think Jack is a lucky guy because he has a huge beanstalk.” Turns out, there was more than one giant in the story, after all.

Greetings yellow Earthlings... You can't drive for s**t!

I've been so horrendously busy these past weeks, that this blog is being finished after I started it two weeks ago. By horrendously busy I, of course, mean that I would rather watch The Big Bang Theory than sit here on the sofa typing away at 10:30pm.

Writing this, I worry that I'll eventually run out of interesting things to talk about and the well of racism will dry up. I may find it difficult to turn a weekend sitting on the sofa and watching illegally downloaded movies, that I deemed not worthy of going to see at the cinema, into 1000 words. Thankfully, for now, the well is still overflowing. Quite literally too, as we've had a hell of a lot of rain here. The amount that would usually have some rural town on the news in England with an 84 year old Mrs Walters stuck on the 2^nd floor of her semi-detached house with her cat, Fudge. Luckily, the drainage systems here are probably the most efficient in the world here- Fudge is safe on the ground floor for now.

The weekend before last was yet another of 'firsts' here. The first 'first' – a visit to a dog café. I know how that sounds and no, I did not chow down on a Golden Retriever. A dog café here is one where you sit down, order your latte and then 'Lucky', the over-friendly dalmatian, unashamedly licks your face from beside you. Now, to me, this was a slice of home. This took me back to my sofa, where my Border Collie puppy, Ani, will frequently approach me for a make out session while I'm having a cup of tea and a chat. Needless to say, it was a nice way to sample a home comfort that is perhaps one of the things I miss the most since I've been here.

The other first- watching a Korean play. Now, I say play- in actual fact it was somewhere between the lines of being a musical, a pantomime and a cookery show. The story involved two chefs, who were battling it out for the honour of being the top dog. There was audience participation, but not in the form of the typical “Ohhhhh no he isn't!” & “Ohhhhh yes he is!” back and forth. Basically, certain audience members were chosen to try the food that was cooked and decide which chef had produced the best dish. The show also included various break-dancing sequences, musical numbers and a weird but wonderful sequence involving illuminated hands masquerading as fish. It was like a very camp version of Daily Cooks Challenge I guess- though I can't see Antony Worrall Thompson performing and back-flips any time soon.

Enough with the firsts- as of two weeks ago, I became an official Alien. An Alien, here, refers to a foreigner who is working here- it's nice to know that the racial taunts work both ways, at least. How did I become an official Alien? By the delivery of my Alien card last week- it's the equivalent of a national ID card in Korea. It meant I was finally able to open a Korean bank account. This means that I can now get paid directly into my account- I can't say I won't miss getting handed a couple of million Won discreetly in a sealed envelope. No longer can I pretend I'm some kind of drug dealer/Mafia type.

While I’m on the topic of the Mafia, I'm pretty sure that the entire of Korea's driving population is involved in dodgy dealings. All the cars here have blacked out windows- they claim it's so that people can make out in their back seat without being seen. I hardly think this will be in the Kia 2011 brochure...

Fast forward to this past weekend- it involved trekking out to the West coast to spend a relaxing weekend at the beach. When you picture a beach, you usually think of white sand and clear blue seas, with a dash of coral reef thrown in for good measure. Then you remember you live in England and think of jagged pebbles with empty Carling cans strewn across the horizon; crashing waves and gale force winds complete the equation. The beach we arrived at this past weekend was neither- it was essentially a big pile of mud. So, while you were getting your imaginary tan in your beach fantasy, I was on my knees, in squelchy brown dregs, digging for clams. It turns out I'm fantastic at this.- far better than I am at teaching. I managed to fill a whole bucket full of the things in maybe an hour or two.

After an endless amount of barbecued meat and prawns for dinner, I then taught my flatmate and the Koreans how to play poker, just well enough so I could hopefully humiliate them. It worked- kind of...

My sneaky tactics eliminated two players quickly. Unfortunately, the mosquitoes' desire to feast on my flesh triggered calls of “All in” from my cocky gob- this is a sure-fire way to afford the pleasure of winning to a rookie. Come bedtime, I once again drew the short straw and had to crash on the floor at yet another Korean hotel. My pillow was at least a bit comfier this time, I guess...

Finally, come this weekend, I will be the proud owner of a bass guitar. After mastering guitar to the level of advanced-average, I feel it's my duty to bring my bass playing skills to the same level. Flea will have to temporarily replace Slash as my new idol for a year, I think. If you now think I'm worshipping blood sucking parasites and that I have, until this point, been some sort of knife enthusiast, then this is most definitely a sign that you are too old.

To sign off, it's a necessity to touch on a totally unrelated point. This is the fact that Koreans are probably the worst drivers I've ever seen- the stereotype that Asians can't drive is no joke. Either Koreans don't know what indicators are, or Kia cars are as bad as Top Gear makes out and they simply don't work. Maybe they think that pressing the middle of the steering wheel activates them-this would explain the incessant honking of horns I get treated to every time I'm near four wheels. A tendency to switch lanes on the motorways without looking is also not the best tactic for staying alive, either.

If this happened in Britain, it would surely result in a national bout of road rage. Then again, in Britain, the entire country isn't in the Mafia...

FrustrAsian

It's been a while since I last blogged but hopefully that means this week's will be packed full of interesting anecdotes. Hopefully. It's really hard to believe I've been here 2 months now and a 6^th of the way through my time here- time flies when your constantly ranting and being racist. I will also get my first full pay cheque next week, consisting of 2.1 million Won (the first month's had a housing deposit knocked off- I was still a millionaire though...)

First of all, before I go on, a warning for you- the blog is about to get uncharacteristically soppy. Only temporarily, I stress.

Anyway, last Friday, during one of my writing classes, one of my students wrote me a 'thank you' letter which genuinely made me smile inside. To do it justice, I'm going to reproduce it here, inclusive of grammatical and spelling errors.

Dear Tom teacher.

Hello. Tom teacher. I'm Jasmin These days the weather is very hot. So I feel angry. Hum... Maby you feel very sad Because your family live another country. But don't cry :-D Thank you for teaching me and loving me. So I will not to miss English class and do my homework every day. You are the best teacher. Thank you again for everything. Tom teacher

Your student. By teacher

Jasmin

June 17 2011

The only thing in the world who didn't find that touching was Microsoft Word, who proceeded to graffiti it with red and green wavy lines. Thanks, Bill Gates & co., for pointing out that I'm a terrible English teacher... On the plus side, it makes me fantastically confident of gaining the status of 'Cool Uncle Tom' when my brother and his girlfriend have kids. Though please, Danny, do not name any of your kids Juan O'Rourke- I may disown said child.

Back to my adventures- the first major bit of activity since last time has been a bungee jumping and white water rafting trip, at Hantam River. In short, it was an awesome day- the only negative I can muster was that it involved getting up at 5am to catch the bus to Seoul. Why so awesome? Intense enough for my competitive side to enjoy, but also laid back enough that I could let loose and really have fun- Korean rafters are definitely up for some cross-continental banter.

The bungee jumping was also a unique opportunity to see fully grown hulks of men reduced to quivering wrecks, the closer they edged to the jumping ledge. When it came my turn, I looked straight down (despite being told to look forward into the distance) and plunged to my death in slow motion. That was until I was saved by the purple rubber band just before hitting the water. It was, at this point, though, that it got painful. How so? When jumping, they strap you in via your ankles. Earlier in the day, I'd hit my ankles on enough rocks to draw blood during a period swimming near the rapids. This meant that every time I hit the bottom of the jump, I experienced a pain akin to if my testicles had been relocated to my ankles. This pain has the added bonus of being in the aforementioned slow motion.

The pain train had, predictably, not finished yet either. When they lower you down after the jump has finished, a man in a boat catches you and detaches you from the bungee cord. Obviously, they were used to tiny Korean men participating. They lowered me down too much and managed to smash my head against the side of the boat while I was still swinging from side to side. Cue massive headache.

When we'd finished, I had a chance to chat to other teachers on the bus journey home. The bus journeys are, actually, always a highlight of these trips- you get to share stories (much like the ones I tell on here) and hear of some stories which far surpass your own, in terms of hilarity. The girl I was sat next to, Danai, told me of an encounter with one child that still has me laughing a week later. It goes something like this.

Kid: Teacher! Teacher! Are you stressed?

Danai: Errr... no. Why??

Kid: Because you have big thighs. My mommy says that, when you get stressed, you get big thighs.

The single best take on comfort eating, ever.

In football related news, I'm still scoring plenty of goals every week and still playing for many different teams each week (please leave your gay jokes in the comments section below). My transformation from centre back to centre forward has, in my mind at least, made me somewhat of an anti Dion Dublin, circa the end of his career.

I've been to a Korean cinema twice now in my two months here. I actually barely notice the subtitles, as I think I tune them out since they're written in what's basically Arabic. My respect for the Korean language is, clearly, still intact.

That aside, I have a message for the lovely folks at Odeon in the UK. Listen up- it is a hell of a lot nicer watching a movie without the headrest lodged in your upper back and your legs squished in a space that is only appropriate leg-room for Vietnam veteran who has had his blown off in the war. Now, I realise I do have a right pair of legs on me but, in Korean cinemas, I'm able to watch in complete comfort and, should I feel the need, even stretch out a bit. Oh, and it also only costs half as much here too. They get it right.

Did, I just praise Korea? What's come over me? OK, they may have cinemas spot on, but in traditional Korean restaurants they regress to much simpler times. The deal is that you take your shoes off on entry. I can deal with that. It's like being in a middle class persons house who like to give the impression they're upper class. Clean carpets are when you know you've moved up in the world, obviously.

I'm off topic once more- back on to it. So, you then have to eat your meal sitting cross legged on the floor, on a table designed for use by the Smurfs- this presents many obstacles. Now, this Summer I managed to get a bit more flexible and can sit cross legged fine now. Obstacle 1- defeated. However, my 'right pair of legs', when crossed, don't fit under Papa Smurf's mahogany furniture range. Obstacle 2- failed.

So, I have the privilege of extending my pins under the table, where they pop out the other end. This results in my left leg falling asleep so that, when we get up to leave, I fall back down again with the grace of a baby deer who has come across a patch of ice. Just call me Bambi.

Continuing the theme of destroying the feel-good feeling the beginning of this blog created, I'm going to address the title of this week's entry.

This past Friday, I had a teachers meeting at my second school. In this meeting I was handed a sheet, written by the principal, that contained her assessment of every one of the classes I teach. The general consensus was that my students are not allowed to make noise, jump about or play games during class until all of their work in the textbook is completed. It seems the concept of learning while having fun and playing games is about as foreign here as I am. Frustratingly, I am now to dictate and have the students just repeat what I say. The kids will love me.

I must also fill you in as to how the principal made these 'judgements' – each classroom is has a camera fitted in it, so you are under surveillance the entire day. However, there's no audio link up- how can she judge from that? Your guess is as good as mine. Now, while she was not in the meeting, I can rest assured she was watching us on her computer with a keen eye.

Always look on the bright side of life, though. However downhearted a week of teaching may leave me, I can always look forward to the weekend- each one boasts a memory or experience that reminds me again why I came here.

So... what day is it tomorrow? Oh, s**t.

Got an STD? I envy you.

At the time of writing, I've been here six weeks- that's roughly 1/9 of the way through. In this time, I feel I've acclimatised to life in Korea. However, it's taken a bit of getting used to. So, rather than a typical update on my life this week, I'm going to give you a perspective of Korea that you won't find in any travel guides (in six points- one per week):

1. OK, so first off, a large number of Koreans walk around all day wearing what are basically surgical masks. The reason? Because the air quality here is ridiculously poor and they don't want it in their lungs. When it rains, the 'yellow dust' from the air liquefies on the ground. This 'yellow dust' blows here all the way from China, apparently, and I have no idea what it actually is. It may be sulphur (I remember that being yellow from Science lessons at school)? OK, I lied, that's an idea. But OK, there are two things that are actually interesting about this. Firstly, all Korean people have super powers- they have some kind of Superman-like vision that allows them to see this dust in the air. I can only presume their whole life is viewed through a sepia lens... Secondly, the irony of the masks- that about 80% of the population smoke. I've actually seen someone, slide their surgical attire down their neck, take a drag, and then replace the mask immediately after. Wouldn't want any of that dirty air in their lungs, of course.
2. Koreans are very private people, and very in keeping with their traditions. One tradition here is, you guessed it, no sex before marriage. You'd be right in assuming that this is one tradition that isn't followed.. However, they still like to 'officially' abide by this. So, one lucrative business here, is that of 'hotels'. As one girl I met in Seattle would put it, this is where they “hop on the good foot and do the bad thing.” So, these places are basically full of randy teenagers and middle aged men with their lady pals. Charming. They're actually quite nice to stay in, my flatmate has told me. Where were these things when I had to sleep on the floor two weeks ago??
3. Koreans are both really kind and really rude at the same time. How? Well, they share everything and are so accommodating- I guess, comparative to the UK, there's a real sense of community here. The teachers at my second school are always bringing me gifts- I've had a watermelon, a coffee mug, cake, waffles and jam to name a few. Rude b**tards. On the other side of the spectrum, they have a zero patience policy- drivers are constantly beeping their horns and swearing at other drivers, when it's actually no-one's fault- just a traffic jam. Also, the concept of a queue is lost upon them- oh, they do exist, alright. However, they hold no qualms pushing in front of each other- no one protests or even bats an eyelid. It warms my soul.
4. Deodorant is not quite as popular here as we're all used to. Outside, I can deal with- the public transport, mind, is much more challenging. The bus is, at times, excruciating as it gets pretty damn hot and this is a lethal combination with B.O. The subway is air conditioned, though. Much better, right? No, just colder B.O. I'm not sure which is worse...
5. Mosquitoes are the bane of my life at the minute. They attack me constantly- I have multiple bites at various locations on my body, including two on the unreachable spot- the middle of my back. This is infuriating. I don't care what my mother says, scratching these itches is good for me. It heals me. True story. The fact that I'm unable to scratch these two itches is a major source of irritation. Quite frankly, I envy people lucky enough to have acquired crabs- they are free from my dilemma of not being able to access my itches.
6. Korean language is f**king hard to learn! They say it's really easy and all but I beg to differ. Case in point- I learnt the word for “here” (I thought this would be more useful than just shouting “yeah, yeah, yeah” repeatedly, when playing football). The Korean word is pronounced “Yoggi.” Come game day, I was feeling confident. Armed with a new Korean word, this was going to be my most effective performance yet. So, there I was, screaming for the ball- “Yoggi, yoggi yoggi.” Nothing happened. Turns out that the Koreans don't use the word for “here” in football. Fail.

So, there you go. Pretty cynical? Come week 12 you can probably look forward to six more culturally insensitive observations. Actually, all my cynicism may have been used up and I'll be extolling the virtues of the Korean lifestyle. Knowing me, don't get your hopes up.

Who needs an iPod when you've got Americans?

Finally, the blog returns. The two week wait for an update seems to have ousted my fan base. What have I been up to? I'll keep it long and sour, as usual.

Since my last post, I have now joined two football teams. It feels good to say 'football' - the Yanks have infested this land with the blasphemy of 'soccer'. I thought originally that learning Korean was going to be hard. Turns out I need to learn 'American' too. I have to pronounce certain words in my really bad American accent. Consequently, my lessons can often sound like a really bad automated phone call.

OK back to football- so I wandered down a week last Sunday to the local astro-turf and two teams were playing. After half an hour of watching, they gestured at me to start playing. They asked where I played- I told them centre back or centre midfield. They put me as a lone striker. The communication difficulties are clearly subsiding.

Well, actually, they are on to something. I scored eight goals in three hours of playing. That's more than in my last three years of Sunday football combined. Clearly, the key to stopping me is to have a crew of thirty-something blokes with a penchant for Carling and pork scratchings as your back four.

That was my first team. On Thursday, a new team appeared when I was doing my workout down at the astro-turf and quickly ushered me in their direction. Apparently, the other team had told them about me and they wanted me to play for them as their star player and talisman. As I only know five phrases in Korean, I can only assume this is what they meant. What else could it possibly be??

However, the main highlight of the past two weeks was this past weekend. It involved Sea Rafting, Paint-balling and a Pumba festival- oh, and my first taste of Soju. What's Soju? It's basically Korean Vodka and it was responsible, along with a quantity of Korean beer, for a bout of skinny dipping and a hangover that felt like a second round of Jet-lag. Lovely stuff.

The weekend involved ten hours of sleep in two days- five of which were spent sleeping on the floor. Apparently, in Korea it's OK to run a hotel that has no beds at all. There weren't even mattresses- just a pillow and what was basically a picnic blanket each. However, the 'hotel' had deemed it necessary to splash out on a television, a fridge, a washing up sink and various pots and pans for each room. I should point out that there were no actual cooking facilities available. Brilliant.

Anyway, I feel the last paragraph validates my decision to consume the previously mentioned Soju and Korean beer combination. See, the only way I was ever going to get any sleep was to literally pass out on the floor. Genius in theory. However, my eyes' blatant refusal to stay open the next day was a slight hindrance. Some slight adjustment to the Soju/sleep balance may be required...

OK, finally- the actual trip. First we headed for the Pumba festival- this is a festival celebrating traditional Korean beggars, where we dress up and pretend to be one all day. It involved us dressing up like skint clowns and a LOT of Korean people swarming around paparazzi and taking photos of us making stupid faces. I felt exactly like a celebrity- I wanted to punch them too.

During the three hour bus journey to the festival, I got to know the people sitting near me. They included Kyle- a 6'6 Yank who actually makes me look small. The two tallest guys on the bus sitting next to one another- a wise decision for my cramped legs. I was about to write 'the two biggest guys' -but that would have been a deviance from the truth.

Now, when I went to Seattle in 2010, I was stunned by how slender and fit all the Americans were- this wasn't what we read about in newspapers. But, this weekend I met some of the real Americans- health is securely locked in Seattle, it seems. When we hit the beach, I was actually very glad that my eyes would not stay open.

In addition to the 'plus-sized' passengers, there were a lot of loud, black women on the bus. I'm sorry, I mean loud, African-American women- I was worried this blog was beginning to sound culturally insensitive. Anyway, the 'African-American' women were of the “Ohhhh! No he didn't” and “Ohhhh, snap!” variety. This made for entertaining listening on the bus journeys. My iPod stayed firmly in my pocket.

Now, I will finish on what was possibly the best moment of the entire trip. Despite my ranting being all too offensive and blunt, I don’t think I could beat this moment if I tried.

OK, so we're sitting on the bus just talking away to the girls opposite us. Inevitably, when you've run out of anything interesting to talk about, the conversation always regresses to the obvious- sex. So, at this point, Kyle declared to a girl sitting opposite us that was not, in fact, attracted to black or Asian women at all. Now, this girl was sat next to a black woman. Behind them were two more black women and behind us was a black guy and a Korean-American lass. Behind her, another Korean-American girl. Oh no he didn't...

Simon says... BEHAVE!

Last week was much the same as last week, teaching-wise. The only difference being that I delved into the depths of my suitcase to find my box of tricks in order to deal with the problem kids. On opening the box, a man called Simon popped out and started telling me to sit down, stand up, jump and find something green. I knocked him out and stuffed him in my bag for school. So, as you've probably guessed, 'Simon says' became my new weapon of choice for the start of lessons. Why? I figured it'd knacker them out early on. Did it work? Totally. I did manage to make one kid cry, though. That wasn't Simon's fault though...

I'll fast rewind to last Friday. I was teaching what's my most difficult class, in terms of the kids in it. I can't even explain any kind of discipline to them as they just laugh all the time. Not in a 'cute kid who's having fun' kind of way. They are deliberately all joining up to do anything except what I say. Case in point- in 'Simon Says' they do the opposite of what poor old Simon actually says, every single time. Very annoying.

Well, there's one of them who I identified as the ring-leader of the group. So, all I did was move her to the back corner of the classroom to sit on her own. It was actually only originally going to be for 2 minutes, as a warning. I figured she'd have to make more effort to disrupt things from over there. Instead, she proceeded to sulk and, eventually, cry. She refused to move or look at anyone else during the lesson, and stormed out at the end of the lesson. Temper temper!

At this point, I'm going to point out something I've noticed- all the misbehaving kids here tend to look a bit like Cartman from South Park. They're not hungry to learn, just plain hungry. 'Respect my authoritahh!' is futile against them.

Anyway, back to girl Cartman- I ignored her attempts at attention seeking and, funnily enough, the other kids actually behaved for the rest of the lesson and learnt something. And had fun doing it it. So- it worked. The price of good behaviour? A cup of tears from a bratty child. Worth it? Totally.

Other than my reign of evil over the kids, I'll tell you about my actual performance as a teacher. I may not yet be fluent in Korean yet, but I'm definitely getting better at the language of miscommunication. So much so that, when I was supposed to be giving a class a test, I was playing 'Simon says' instead. They all passed.

Besides school, I managed to dust off my Pool skills on Thursday, against my flatmate. I lost 1-0. The other 5 games I lost don't count- they were warm-up matches. We then went for a drink at a local bar that turned out to be a bit cosy for our tastes, and where the waiter was Louis Spence. The bar food was not nuts, but cherry tomatoes and slices- it was like half-time at a football match....

We now have our own wireless internet connection too as we bought a wireless router after two weeks of being kindly lent some internet by one of our neighbours. We haven't told whichever neighbour it was that we have our own now- it'd only hurt his feelings...

(Update- this router has since broken down. We have temporarily re-engaged our mutual understanding with Mr Neighbour. Lovely chap.)

Finally, I've signed up for a site called Adventure Korea where you can go on weekend trips with other teachers- I'm due to go Sea Rafting, Paintballing and to something called a Pumba festival in two weeks time. It'll have taken me a month to meet some more English speaking people. I'm a Social Butterfly...

I suppose that's the end of this week's blog (apologies for the lateness- I've been too busy losing 1-0 at Pool again). It's been a bit disjointed I guess, but on positive side it's been my least offensive blog yet. On the negative side, though, it's been my least offensive blog yet. B*****ks.