Who needs an iPod when you've got Americans?

Finally, the blog returns. The two week wait for an update seems to have ousted my fan base. What have I been up to? I'll keep it long and sour, as usual.

Since my last post, I have now joined two football teams. It feels good to say 'football' - the Yanks have infested this land with the blasphemy of 'soccer'. I thought originally that learning Korean was going to be hard. Turns out I need to learn 'American' too. I have to pronounce certain words in my really bad American accent. Consequently, my lessons can often sound like a really bad automated phone call.

OK back to football- so I wandered down a week last Sunday to the local astro-turf and two teams were playing. After half an hour of watching, they gestured at me to start playing. They asked where I played- I told them centre back or centre midfield. They put me as a lone striker. The communication difficulties are clearly subsiding.

Well, actually, they are on to something. I scored eight goals in three hours of playing. That's more than in my last three years of Sunday football combined. Clearly, the key to stopping me is to have a crew of thirty-something blokes with a penchant for Carling and pork scratchings as your back four.

That was my first team. On Thursday, a new team appeared when I was doing my workout down at the astro-turf and quickly ushered me in their direction. Apparently, the other team had told them about me and they wanted me to play for them as their star player and talisman. As I only know five phrases in Korean, I can only assume this is what they meant. What else could it possibly be??

However, the main highlight of the past two weeks was this past weekend. It involved Sea Rafting, Paint-balling and a Pumba festival- oh, and my first taste of Soju. What's Soju? It's basically Korean Vodka and it was responsible, along with a quantity of Korean beer, for a bout of skinny dipping and a hangover that felt like a second round of Jet-lag. Lovely stuff.

The weekend involved ten hours of sleep in two days- five of which were spent sleeping on the floor. Apparently, in Korea it's OK to run a hotel that has no beds at all. There weren't even mattresses- just a pillow and what was basically a picnic blanket each. However, the 'hotel' had deemed it necessary to splash out on a television, a fridge, a washing up sink and various pots and pans for each room. I should point out that there were no actual cooking facilities available. Brilliant.

Anyway, I feel the last paragraph validates my decision to consume the previously mentioned Soju and Korean beer combination. See, the only way I was ever going to get any sleep was to literally pass out on the floor. Genius in theory. However, my eyes' blatant refusal to stay open the next day was a slight hindrance. Some slight adjustment to the Soju/sleep balance may be required...

OK, finally- the actual trip. First we headed for the Pumba festival- this is a festival celebrating traditional Korean beggars, where we dress up and pretend to be one all day. It involved us dressing up like skint clowns and a LOT of Korean people swarming around paparazzi and taking photos of us making stupid faces. I felt exactly like a celebrity- I wanted to punch them too.

During the three hour bus journey to the festival, I got to know the people sitting near me. They included Kyle- a 6'6 Yank who actually makes me look small. The two tallest guys on the bus sitting next to one another- a wise decision for my cramped legs. I was about to write 'the two biggest guys' -but that would have been a deviance from the truth.

Now, when I went to Seattle in 2010, I was stunned by how slender and fit all the Americans were- this wasn't what we read about in newspapers. But, this weekend I met some of the real Americans- health is securely locked in Seattle, it seems. When we hit the beach, I was actually very glad that my eyes would not stay open.

In addition to the 'plus-sized' passengers, there were a lot of loud, black women on the bus. I'm sorry, I mean loud, African-American women- I was worried this blog was beginning to sound culturally insensitive. Anyway, the 'African-American' women were of the “Ohhhh! No he didn't” and “Ohhhh, snap!” variety. This made for entertaining listening on the bus journeys. My iPod stayed firmly in my pocket.

Now, I will finish on what was possibly the best moment of the entire trip. Despite my ranting being all too offensive and blunt, I don’t think I could beat this moment if I tried.

OK, so we're sitting on the bus just talking away to the girls opposite us. Inevitably, when you've run out of anything interesting to talk about, the conversation always regresses to the obvious- sex. So, at this point, Kyle declared to a girl sitting opposite us that was not, in fact, attracted to black or Asian women at all. Now, this girl was sat next to a black woman. Behind them were two more black women and behind us was a black guy and a Korean-American lass. Behind her, another Korean-American girl. Oh no he didn't...

Simon says... BEHAVE!

Last week was much the same as last week, teaching-wise. The only difference being that I delved into the depths of my suitcase to find my box of tricks in order to deal with the problem kids. On opening the box, a man called Simon popped out and started telling me to sit down, stand up, jump and find something green. I knocked him out and stuffed him in my bag for school. So, as you've probably guessed, 'Simon says' became my new weapon of choice for the start of lessons. Why? I figured it'd knacker them out early on. Did it work? Totally. I did manage to make one kid cry, though. That wasn't Simon's fault though...

I'll fast rewind to last Friday. I was teaching what's my most difficult class, in terms of the kids in it. I can't even explain any kind of discipline to them as they just laugh all the time. Not in a 'cute kid who's having fun' kind of way. They are deliberately all joining up to do anything except what I say. Case in point- in 'Simon Says' they do the opposite of what poor old Simon actually says, every single time. Very annoying.

Well, there's one of them who I identified as the ring-leader of the group. So, all I did was move her to the back corner of the classroom to sit on her own. It was actually only originally going to be for 2 minutes, as a warning. I figured she'd have to make more effort to disrupt things from over there. Instead, she proceeded to sulk and, eventually, cry. She refused to move or look at anyone else during the lesson, and stormed out at the end of the lesson. Temper temper!

At this point, I'm going to point out something I've noticed- all the misbehaving kids here tend to look a bit like Cartman from South Park. They're not hungry to learn, just plain hungry. 'Respect my authoritahh!' is futile against them.

Anyway, back to girl Cartman- I ignored her attempts at attention seeking and, funnily enough, the other kids actually behaved for the rest of the lesson and learnt something. And had fun doing it it. So- it worked. The price of good behaviour? A cup of tears from a bratty child. Worth it? Totally.

Other than my reign of evil over the kids, I'll tell you about my actual performance as a teacher. I may not yet be fluent in Korean yet, but I'm definitely getting better at the language of miscommunication. So much so that, when I was supposed to be giving a class a test, I was playing 'Simon says' instead. They all passed.

Besides school, I managed to dust off my Pool skills on Thursday, against my flatmate. I lost 1-0. The other 5 games I lost don't count- they were warm-up matches. We then went for a drink at a local bar that turned out to be a bit cosy for our tastes, and where the waiter was Louis Spence. The bar food was not nuts, but cherry tomatoes and slices- it was like half-time at a football match....

We now have our own wireless internet connection too as we bought a wireless router after two weeks of being kindly lent some internet by one of our neighbours. We haven't told whichever neighbour it was that we have our own now- it'd only hurt his feelings...

(Update- this router has since broken down. We have temporarily re-engaged our mutual understanding with Mr Neighbour. Lovely chap.)

Finally, I've signed up for a site called Adventure Korea where you can go on weekend trips with other teachers- I'm due to go Sea Rafting, Paintballing and to something called a Pumba festival in two weeks time. It'll have taken me a month to meet some more English speaking people. I'm a Social Butterfly...

I suppose that's the end of this week's blog (apologies for the lateness- I've been too busy losing 1-0 at Pool again). It's been a bit disjointed I guess, but on positive side it's been my least offensive blog yet. On the negative side, though, it's been my least offensive blog yet. B*****ks.

Incheon the Dragon

OK, so the first week of teaching is officially done! How did it go? Like the first word of this week's blog, I suppose, it went OK.

I would say that, so far, it's been completely 50/50. About half of my classes are little angels and hang on every word I say. The other half, meanwhile, are little s**ts and don't even give one! I'm so polite, aren't I?

I find that it's the boys that are the problem. Attention span-wise, think of the retarded offspring of a Daddy-Long-Legs and an excitable puppy. If those two got together, mind, I'd pretty much expect retarded children.

I've tried everything to get them to listen. I tried being engaging and kind- they laughed in my face. I tried being angry- they laughed in my face. I tried ignoring their behaviour- they laughed in my... see a pattern here?! The only weapon I have in my arsenal is football. They eat, sleep and drink it- in other words, they 'Coca-Cola' it. Next week I'll tell you how I manage to fit football into an English Language lesson...

It doesn't help, of course, that I can't plan my lessons. Disorganisation is the new organisation. I get told five minutes before each lesson, what I'm supposed to be teaching. And I have to teach from a textbook which is A) Really boring and B) Too easy for them. I can't even take this textbook home either. I can basically plan games to play in the lessons and that's about it. It's pretty frustrating, I guess. Hold on a minute... since when, in my life, have I actually wanted to do more work?? The Korean work ethic must be rubbing off on me. Gutted.

The nice kids are great- I usually end the day with them. I get called handsome and tall about 63 times a day. Still mostly by boys. But, that means I get home in a good mood- why aren't people in the UK this honest?? Oh, remember how 'home' was a bomb-site? Not any more. Thursday was a bank holiday- Children's Day (where was that holiday when I was a kid?!?)- so I cleaned. All day. Eat your heart out ,Kim & Aggy! One whole day. It took that long. The bathroom was a state- I've seen things, man... I got imaginative with blankets too- our sofa's tears have now mysteriously disappeared... It's hospitable now, anyway- it'll do.

As of yet, I haven't found a football team to play for. Or a gym. My flatmate was supposed to show me one- then he ordered a takeaway instead. For now, I've gotten inventive with the kids playground in our courtyard and one dumb-bell I found in our apartment. I get a lot of 'Are you a Paedophile?' looks when working out. I just nod and stick my hand back down my pants. Obviously, I'm kidding- I'm not wearing any pants.

This weekend heralds another trip to Seoul to explore. Where, exactly, is still to be decided. I may just follow the guy in front that looks like Jet Li/Jackie Chan/Gok Wan and see if he leads me anywhere interesting. I'll hopefully get to try more Korean food, as I'm meeting with my flatmate on Sunday- he knows all the best places. Hopefully something a little less spicy, though- it's 24 degrees Celsius and the food is making me sweat more than the weather.

Other than that, there's not much else to tell. I'm just going to spend the rest of my Friday night watching 'How I met Your Mother' (this is my new show to watch, I've decided). Tune in next time for another week's worth of offensive and politically incorrect nonsense.