Who needs an iPod when you've got Americans?

Finally, the blog returns. The two week wait for an update seems to have ousted my fan base. What have I been up to? I'll keep it long and sour, as usual.

Since my last post, I have now joined two football teams. It feels good to say 'football' - the Yanks have infested this land with the blasphemy of 'soccer'. I thought originally that learning Korean was going to be hard. Turns out I need to learn 'American' too. I have to pronounce certain words in my really bad American accent. Consequently, my lessons can often sound like a really bad automated phone call.

OK back to football- so I wandered down a week last Sunday to the local astro-turf and two teams were playing. After half an hour of watching, they gestured at me to start playing. They asked where I played- I told them centre back or centre midfield. They put me as a lone striker. The communication difficulties are clearly subsiding.

Well, actually, they are on to something. I scored eight goals in three hours of playing. That's more than in my last three years of Sunday football combined. Clearly, the key to stopping me is to have a crew of thirty-something blokes with a penchant for Carling and pork scratchings as your back four.

That was my first team. On Thursday, a new team appeared when I was doing my workout down at the astro-turf and quickly ushered me in their direction. Apparently, the other team had told them about me and they wanted me to play for them as their star player and talisman. As I only know five phrases in Korean, I can only assume this is what they meant. What else could it possibly be??

However, the main highlight of the past two weeks was this past weekend. It involved Sea Rafting, Paint-balling and a Pumba festival- oh, and my first taste of Soju. What's Soju? It's basically Korean Vodka and it was responsible, along with a quantity of Korean beer, for a bout of skinny dipping and a hangover that felt like a second round of Jet-lag. Lovely stuff.

The weekend involved ten hours of sleep in two days- five of which were spent sleeping on the floor. Apparently, in Korea it's OK to run a hotel that has no beds at all. There weren't even mattresses- just a pillow and what was basically a picnic blanket each. However, the 'hotel' had deemed it necessary to splash out on a television, a fridge, a washing up sink and various pots and pans for each room. I should point out that there were no actual cooking facilities available. Brilliant.

Anyway, I feel the last paragraph validates my decision to consume the previously mentioned Soju and Korean beer combination. See, the only way I was ever going to get any sleep was to literally pass out on the floor. Genius in theory. However, my eyes' blatant refusal to stay open the next day was a slight hindrance. Some slight adjustment to the Soju/sleep balance may be required...

OK, finally- the actual trip. First we headed for the Pumba festival- this is a festival celebrating traditional Korean beggars, where we dress up and pretend to be one all day. It involved us dressing up like skint clowns and a LOT of Korean people swarming around paparazzi and taking photos of us making stupid faces. I felt exactly like a celebrity- I wanted to punch them too.

During the three hour bus journey to the festival, I got to know the people sitting near me. They included Kyle- a 6'6 Yank who actually makes me look small. The two tallest guys on the bus sitting next to one another- a wise decision for my cramped legs. I was about to write 'the two biggest guys' -but that would have been a deviance from the truth.

Now, when I went to Seattle in 2010, I was stunned by how slender and fit all the Americans were- this wasn't what we read about in newspapers. But, this weekend I met some of the real Americans- health is securely locked in Seattle, it seems. When we hit the beach, I was actually very glad that my eyes would not stay open.

In addition to the 'plus-sized' passengers, there were a lot of loud, black women on the bus. I'm sorry, I mean loud, African-American women- I was worried this blog was beginning to sound culturally insensitive. Anyway, the 'African-American' women were of the “Ohhhh! No he didn't” and “Ohhhh, snap!” variety. This made for entertaining listening on the bus journeys. My iPod stayed firmly in my pocket.

Now, I will finish on what was possibly the best moment of the entire trip. Despite my ranting being all too offensive and blunt, I don’t think I could beat this moment if I tried.

OK, so we're sitting on the bus just talking away to the girls opposite us. Inevitably, when you've run out of anything interesting to talk about, the conversation always regresses to the obvious- sex. So, at this point, Kyle declared to a girl sitting opposite us that was not, in fact, attracted to black or Asian women at all. Now, this girl was sat next to a black woman. Behind them were two more black women and behind us was a black guy and a Korean-American lass. Behind her, another Korean-American girl. Oh no he didn't...

Simon says... BEHAVE!

Last week was much the same as last week, teaching-wise. The only difference being that I delved into the depths of my suitcase to find my box of tricks in order to deal with the problem kids. On opening the box, a man called Simon popped out and started telling me to sit down, stand up, jump and find something green. I knocked him out and stuffed him in my bag for school. So, as you've probably guessed, 'Simon says' became my new weapon of choice for the start of lessons. Why? I figured it'd knacker them out early on. Did it work? Totally. I did manage to make one kid cry, though. That wasn't Simon's fault though...

I'll fast rewind to last Friday. I was teaching what's my most difficult class, in terms of the kids in it. I can't even explain any kind of discipline to them as they just laugh all the time. Not in a 'cute kid who's having fun' kind of way. They are deliberately all joining up to do anything except what I say. Case in point- in 'Simon Says' they do the opposite of what poor old Simon actually says, every single time. Very annoying.

Well, there's one of them who I identified as the ring-leader of the group. So, all I did was move her to the back corner of the classroom to sit on her own. It was actually only originally going to be for 2 minutes, as a warning. I figured she'd have to make more effort to disrupt things from over there. Instead, she proceeded to sulk and, eventually, cry. She refused to move or look at anyone else during the lesson, and stormed out at the end of the lesson. Temper temper!

At this point, I'm going to point out something I've noticed- all the misbehaving kids here tend to look a bit like Cartman from South Park. They're not hungry to learn, just plain hungry. 'Respect my authoritahh!' is futile against them.

Anyway, back to girl Cartman- I ignored her attempts at attention seeking and, funnily enough, the other kids actually behaved for the rest of the lesson and learnt something. And had fun doing it it. So- it worked. The price of good behaviour? A cup of tears from a bratty child. Worth it? Totally.

Other than my reign of evil over the kids, I'll tell you about my actual performance as a teacher. I may not yet be fluent in Korean yet, but I'm definitely getting better at the language of miscommunication. So much so that, when I was supposed to be giving a class a test, I was playing 'Simon says' instead. They all passed.

Besides school, I managed to dust off my Pool skills on Thursday, against my flatmate. I lost 1-0. The other 5 games I lost don't count- they were warm-up matches. We then went for a drink at a local bar that turned out to be a bit cosy for our tastes, and where the waiter was Louis Spence. The bar food was not nuts, but cherry tomatoes and slices- it was like half-time at a football match....

We now have our own wireless internet connection too as we bought a wireless router after two weeks of being kindly lent some internet by one of our neighbours. We haven't told whichever neighbour it was that we have our own now- it'd only hurt his feelings...

(Update- this router has since broken down. We have temporarily re-engaged our mutual understanding with Mr Neighbour. Lovely chap.)

Finally, I've signed up for a site called Adventure Korea where you can go on weekend trips with other teachers- I'm due to go Sea Rafting, Paintballing and to something called a Pumba festival in two weeks time. It'll have taken me a month to meet some more English speaking people. I'm a Social Butterfly...

I suppose that's the end of this week's blog (apologies for the lateness- I've been too busy losing 1-0 at Pool again). It's been a bit disjointed I guess, but on positive side it's been my least offensive blog yet. On the negative side, though, it's been my least offensive blog yet. B*****ks.

Incheon the Dragon

OK, so the first week of teaching is officially done! How did it go? Like the first word of this week's blog, I suppose, it went OK.

I would say that, so far, it's been completely 50/50. About half of my classes are little angels and hang on every word I say. The other half, meanwhile, are little s**ts and don't even give one! I'm so polite, aren't I?

I find that it's the boys that are the problem. Attention span-wise, think of the retarded offspring of a Daddy-Long-Legs and an excitable puppy. If those two got together, mind, I'd pretty much expect retarded children.

I've tried everything to get them to listen. I tried being engaging and kind- they laughed in my face. I tried being angry- they laughed in my face. I tried ignoring their behaviour- they laughed in my... see a pattern here?! The only weapon I have in my arsenal is football. They eat, sleep and drink it- in other words, they 'Coca-Cola' it. Next week I'll tell you how I manage to fit football into an English Language lesson...

It doesn't help, of course, that I can't plan my lessons. Disorganisation is the new organisation. I get told five minutes before each lesson, what I'm supposed to be teaching. And I have to teach from a textbook which is A) Really boring and B) Too easy for them. I can't even take this textbook home either. I can basically plan games to play in the lessons and that's about it. It's pretty frustrating, I guess. Hold on a minute... since when, in my life, have I actually wanted to do more work?? The Korean work ethic must be rubbing off on me. Gutted.

The nice kids are great- I usually end the day with them. I get called handsome and tall about 63 times a day. Still mostly by boys. But, that means I get home in a good mood- why aren't people in the UK this honest?? Oh, remember how 'home' was a bomb-site? Not any more. Thursday was a bank holiday- Children's Day (where was that holiday when I was a kid?!?)- so I cleaned. All day. Eat your heart out ,Kim & Aggy! One whole day. It took that long. The bathroom was a state- I've seen things, man... I got imaginative with blankets too- our sofa's tears have now mysteriously disappeared... It's hospitable now, anyway- it'll do.

As of yet, I haven't found a football team to play for. Or a gym. My flatmate was supposed to show me one- then he ordered a takeaway instead. For now, I've gotten inventive with the kids playground in our courtyard and one dumb-bell I found in our apartment. I get a lot of 'Are you a Paedophile?' looks when working out. I just nod and stick my hand back down my pants. Obviously, I'm kidding- I'm not wearing any pants.

This weekend heralds another trip to Seoul to explore. Where, exactly, is still to be decided. I may just follow the guy in front that looks like Jet Li/Jackie Chan/Gok Wan and see if he leads me anywhere interesting. I'll hopefully get to try more Korean food, as I'm meeting with my flatmate on Sunday- he knows all the best places. Hopefully something a little less spicy, though- it's 24 degrees Celsius and the food is making me sweat more than the weather.

Other than that, there's not much else to tell. I'm just going to spend the rest of my Friday night watching 'How I met Your Mother' (this is my new show to watch, I've decided). Tune in next time for another week's worth of offensive and politically incorrect nonsense.

First Impressions of Earth

So, I'm finally here. I've been looking forward to moving here for the year ever since I started in January. It's a bit surreal really.

First impressions of the place? Well, it's been up and down so far, to be honest! Everyone kept telling me I was so brave to come over here on my own- all I could ever muster as a reply was “really?” Well, without much further a-do, I take it back.

24 hours after setting off, I arrived in Seoul Incheon Airport (not a wink of shut-eye during this time- I don't do sleep on planes...) I was knackered. Completely out of it. All I wanted to do was hit the mattress and have a chat with the Sandman... Alas! I spent an hour trying to find 'John Lee' at the airport (the guy responsible for giving me a lift to my flat). By the way, this was my fault- I came out of baggage handling at the wrong gate and wandered round like a numpty for an hour. Good start.

So, the first thing I did when I arrived? Sleep, right? No. Straight to the school to have a meeting with the school's director. Fun, fun, fun. Nonetheless, they nattered away in Korean (barely speaking to me), while I sat there focussing all of my energy on keeping my eyes open. Then I was whisked away to my apartment- 'apartment' must be Korean for 'bomb-site' Seriously, the place was/is a mess! I get to indulge in luxuries such as: a light switch in my bedroom dangling off the wall, last years chicken noodle soup dried on the cooking hob, cupboards that have lost the will to close. At this point, I was most definitely not on a high. More on a “what the fuck have I let myself in for?!?!” (Things get better, don't worry...)

The next day I got to 'shadow' Jess, the girl who I'm replacing as a teacher, come Monday. She's probably the first Irish person who's accent I can actually understand- no offence Fitzy ;-) My experiences of the day? Well, Korean kids are NOT what you'd think. The expectation- they are all quiet and respectful. The reality- nuh-uh. The kids are hyper (think ADHD hyper), and verge on violent- the better students have a habit of getting up, shouting at and clouting the less-fluent kids who struggle with an exercise. I think there'll be some changes come next week. Just a hunch...

The most amusing thing about that day was meeting the kids for the first time- I'm basically Gigantor to them. When they were measuring me on their height chart (I was off the chart :D), a young kid said to me 'You. Are. Very... Handsome.” And then he ran off. Yes... 'he'. When I asked my flatmate, Paul, about this, he said that's normal. Homosexuality is non-existent over here apparently. People are just very straight and honest. Modesty doesn't exist either. Apparently.

The place I live is called Dunjeonri, in Yongin City (about an hour's bus ride from Seoul). One of the schools I teach in is a two minute walk from the bomb-site; the other a ten minute bus ride. So no need to get up early for work, then. Well, given that I start around 1 or 2pm every day, no. How many of you reading this get to do that? Students, you don't count.

I've been to the supermarket a few times now, and even that's become daunting. Tesco, it ain't. Every little does NOT help. I now have to figure out what foods are from a cheesy little picture on the front of the packet. And the price is hard to work out too- I usually guess based on what I think it's worth. Varied results so far. The diet here is totally different to the UK too. They don't even have porridge. I have a bit of a dilemma here. What the hell to replace it with? Cereal barely exists here- I bought some 'Granola' that turned out to be cornflakes. Where the hell was the cockerel on the front of the packet, eh?!

However, once I get used to what's what, I'm sure I'll be fine- Kim-chi (vegetables in a really spicy chilli sauce) is massive over here, and is already growing on me. The craziest thing I've found so far, food-wise, is meal-worm pupae... in a can. I'm not on 'I'm a Celebrity, get me out of here' am I!?

Today has been the most exciting day by far! I got to ride the subway (I feel like a kid again, saying that) all over Seoul, to explore. Paul took me into Seoul on the bus first and them promptly ditched me to do his own thing (a reoccurring habit I've noticed- Jess did it to me on my first night at the supermarket!) So, I promptly hit a coffee house to re-coup and plan out where to go. This resulted in me being none-the-wiser about what to do. I aimlessly mooched the local streets in a place called Itaewon- it's the most American place in Korea. Reminded me of Seattle. A thing I noticed, too is that 95% of shops sell either clothes or mobile phones. I needed a water filter, having been informed that tap water isn't safe to drink here. I did a lot of research before coming here, obviously. Clothes shops sell them, right?

In the end, I found one water filter in a mall in the whole of Seoul. It took me about 2 hours to find- most of this was spent trying to explain what a water filter is to bewildered-looking Korean shop assistants. Today I've discovered that, not only is my Korean shit (I can say 'hello' and 'thank you'), but my sign-language is equally shit. After this acquisition, I then visited the World Cup Stadium where Seoul FC were playing a match (would've watched, if I'd had the time). Here, I had my first taste of Summer rain, here. You soon learn that when it rains here, it pours.

This then leads me to when I was waiting for the bus home at the end of the day. Now, after a whole day of being stared at on the Subway, my first Korean talked to me, voluntarily! Hurrah! The first part of her name was Kim; the rest of her name I can't pronounce/remember. She proceeded to cover me with her umbrella and make conversation while we waited for the bus. It ended up that she was getting a different bus, to Pusan. But, when her bus came, she actually gave me her umbrella to keep! Ridiculously kind. This lifted my spirits immensely. Now, I think there's hope for Korea after all- that the staring might actually stop once in a while.

So, as I sit and write this, I am now the proud owner of a white, spotty 'Crocodile Ladies' umbrella. I've called it Kim, in honour of the kind bus stop girl. Can't wait till it rains again ;-)

P.S. Unrelated note- I won't credit the name of this blog to the guy who came up with it as I know he'll get all smarmy and feel the urge to celebrate. With alcohol. You've got a dissertation to do, mate...